To chore or NOT to chore????????????????????

To chore or NOT to chore . . . .

As you know, I have to step-daughters.  However, since one just recently graduated from high school, we’ve been forced to a one kid family.  (The oldest is spending the summer at church camp working as a counselor and then will move to college almost directly from camp. L) The dynamics are SO different, SO calm, and SO almost easy.  Now, I don’t want to jinx myself, but our last visit had NO drama; which is the very FIRST time that has happened!!!  However, that is a completely different post!!

I’m asking all my fellow stepmoms about the chore issue.  I am a stepmom, who sees her step kids every 12 days for 48 hours.  Translated that means every other weekend.  Do we as a family enforce “chore” duty?  She is 10.  She is capable of much.  I have NO IDEA what she has to do at her mom and stepdad’s house.  We are not in a relationship where this can be discussed.  Trust me; it’s just not there yet.  My feeling is, this child is handed EVERYTHING on a silver platter.  She is not expected to do ANYTHING.  So “making” her do “typical” 10 year old chores may be starting WWIII; which is exactly why I haven’t.  However, I’m wondering if I am actually creating a disservice towards her for this??  I would love to hear your opinion and your routines.  Even if you are not a stepmom, what do you require, how do you handle it??  I’m a first time mom, and it’s a stepmom, and it’s to a precarious 10 year old girl.  PLEASE SEND HELP!!

Thanks!!

To have or NOT to have . . . . . .

To have, or NOT to have

We lived through yesterday, but I swear I can’t trust my hormones anymore.  My hair turned curly for a month, and then just abruptly went back to the straight with one wave in the back.  I cry at the drop of the hat, or not.  And we don’t even need to talk about frustration or anger; it only takes a millisecond to push me over the edge.  NO I AM NOT PREGNANT; I’ve taken my pretty little pill every day like clockwork, even set a phone alarm so I can’t forget to take it.  The last thing I need in this step mom life is a child.  I can’t even tell you how many times my husband and I have discussed it and how many times logically I feel one way and emotionally I feel another!!  Whew!!  I needed to get that off my chest!!  Thanks for listening, or reading as the case may be!!  I have a feeling this year is gonna be emotional.  I always promised myself IF I chose to have children I would do it before I was 40.  (I turned 39 on Monday).  So I know this is the last year.  I’m finally in a loving, dedicated, and lifetime committed relationship.  But I also realize, we are not financially or emotionally ready for such another lifetime commitment.  I’m too selfish.  I need MY time.  I need at least 10 hours of sleep a night (I actually work better with 12 hours).  These are things that CAN NOT and WILL NOT happen with a newborn in the house!   I know, my youngest brother was born when I was 17.  His father (my stepfather) left when he was 6 months old.    I was the second parent, right or wrong, that was my role in the family.  I don’t want the burden of a child. 

Hmm, so I am telling my reasons, or trying to talk myself out of this????????  Please tell me, how did you make your choice to have or not to have?  I’d love to know!!!

RLA

RLA

Today marks two years without him, my husband’s only son.  I’ve blogged about him before.  Today is marked with so many emotions.  I long for my husband’s grieving to be “over”, yet intellectually I know that may never happen.  Not until the day he gets to see his son in heaven reunited with Jesus.  I pray for my husband today, that the grief won’t overtake him, yet I don’t want to forget.  I know my husband doesn’t want to forget him.  I miss the boy.  I never met the boy.  He was almost a man, just less than a month from 18.  His youngest sister is now older than he will ever be.   His baby sister is a decade old.  These are things he doesn’t get to experience.   In some ways this is so sad and depressing; it’s hard to get out of bed.  In some ways, it makes me really feel for his mom.  I can’t imagine the pain she’s going through, and I should probably be more understanding when she exerts her “momness” of the two girls into our lives.  I would never take away that she is the mom of three kids.  But as a stepmom (and you fellow stepmoms know what I mean), the bio mom can just be a pain in the neck.  However, that is a complete different post.  This is about RLA. 

I have no words.

I only have sad thoughts.

I miss him.

I never met him.

I love him.

I love to hear stories about him.

I wish I knew more.

I wish I knew less.

I wish, I wish, I wish, I wish.

Wishing doesn’t do anyone any good.

I’m doing my best to step one foot in front of the other.  (bad musical memory here, did anyone else hear it?)

Pray for me today.

Pray for RLA’s dad today.

Pray for RLA’s sisters today.

Pray for RLA’s mom today.

Pray for RLA’s grandparents today.

Let’s all pray together!

Dear Heavenly Father, Thank you for your generous blessings and protections.  Please allow the angel of the Lord to encamp around each of the people hurting today over RLA’s loss.  Our loss is your gain.  May the peace that passes all understanding envelop each individual that hurts.  In Jesus Mighty Name I pray.  AMEN. 

The Oldest's Graduation

I know you are all dying to know how it went; being with the “other” side of the family, etc.  Well, I lived through it.  But that was the single worst night of my life.  I hope and pray the oldest didn’t see my misery; however, I’m pretty sure she did.  And I feel horrible for it, still!!  I am trying desperately to move forward.  But this is something I struggle with, moving forward.  I’d much rather evaluate and examine every thought, move and feeling from the past, as so I can learn from it.  You know what I’ve learned?  Sometimes, that just doesn’t cut it.  Sometimes, it’s better to say, I screwed that up royally, can we please just move forward?  There are so many things that went wrong that night, both personally in my own head, in my marriage with a lack of communication, and with being with the “other” side of the family.  It’s really just best not to rehash it.  I just hope I’ve learned to move on my instincts to stay home, when they tell me.  And I hope my husband has learned to keep his word, when we’ve discussed a particular situation.  Please pray for me, my husband, my marriage and my wonderful step-daughter, who left for her summer job, then off to college.  We may never see her again, and that isn’t one of my dramatic over the top exaggerations!! L

keep praying

Keep praying for me, graduation postponed until tomorrow night, and to save gas bringing the youngest home a day early, which translates to a day for her and I alone.  I know I can do it, but feeling a bit nervous!!  YIKES!!  Going with relaxed dialogue to find out more about her, and hoping she wants to do something specific and hoping more, whatever is it's cheap, as DHS garnished 2/3 of hubby's paycheck and refund check not expected until Monday!!  Too many challenges this week!!!  KEEP PRAYING as I keep praying for ALL of you!!  Thanks!!

Graduation

The oldest graduates TOMORROW!!  I don't want to go!!  There was some terrific trauma drama and my feelings were hurt, DEEP!!  I'm doing my best to put my best foot forward, but I've learned I do that better long distance through email or text message.  I am NOT looking forward to seeing all these people that caused me so much emotional hurt.  On top of which, the oldest will no longer be coming for the weekend visits.  It will only be the youngest.  Until this last trauma drama, I thought the oldest and I were pretty close.  I've learned through this trauma drama, that we aren't, at all.  This may be the last time we see her, except for the occasional holiday that she decides to not spend with her mom.  So I figure, I need to prepare myself, never to see her again.  I'm a bag full of tears, and we haven't even left yet.  I'm gonna need LOTS of prayers tomorrow.  Please help me get through this Lord, without contributing to the trauma drama.  Cause I can be the biggest drama queen these people have ever seen.  I'm really trying hard NOT to introduce them to her tomorrow, but LORD help me, if I'm provoked . . . . . Oh LORD help!!  On top of which, I cry at the hint of the drop of a hat.  So it's not like I can keep far enough distance from her other side of the family that they won't know I'm upset about something.  Lord, help me keep my mouth SHUT!!

I love my husband!

I love my husband.

I’ve heard many a woman say these words.  I thought I understood these words.  I don’t think I do.  I’m learning and I’m getting there.  And with every passing day, I learn more, and love more.  I really didn’t think that was possible.  Really, I didn’t.  Maybe I’m naïve.  Maybe I’m stupid, or not “street smart” as they say.  But I’m learning to love through the hardships, and can I say that love is better and greater than the love they portray in movies?  Yes, I can say that.  I do say that.  I love him more now than ever before.  And because I am a type A perfectionist, organized personality, I’m now trying to analyze why in the this is true.  I’m sure this is such a shock to the 5 followers that I do have, but for you new people, in case there are any, this is what I do.  Question EVERYTHING.  I’m sure I would’ve made a good scientist; however, I couldn’t handle all the experiments and dissections.  YUK!!!  I’m losing my train of thought, which happens more as I inch towards the last aging birthday.  23 days, to be exact.  Until I turn . . . . wait for it . . . . 39.  I think I just might stop there, no need to be 40.  Cause the women in my family don’t age, at all.  My mom’s age is top secret, even part of the wedding vows with my husband.  I know her as 36.  I keep telling her, we have to redo that, cause now I’m older than she is, and no one no matter how stupid they might be, is gonna fall for that one!  HA! 

Moving on, where was I going??  Oh yeah, my love for my husband.  I have a theory.  I love him, because there are no rules or regulations.  With everyone I’ve ever loved, there have been rules, you must act a certain way, dress a certain way, present yourself a certain way.  With my husband, there isn’t.  I don’t understand that completely, but that is the way I feel, the way I’ve always felt.  I must be the “good” little girl for my mom; I must be the “trophy wife” for my first husband.  I was taught somewhere along the way, that to love somebody, meant you followed their rules.  I understand that sounds crazy, but it’s taken me almost 39 years to figure out it sounds crazy.  I thought it was real, it was natural, it was fun, to follow the “life rules” of the one you love.  You know, like when you were in elementary school and you didn’t step on cracks, and you called each other silly head like it was the curse word that comes out of your mouth now when you stub your toe!!  My “love” never matured into complete and unconditional love, not until I met my husband.  I don’t know why.  I’ve spent many the hours trying to figure it out, believe me.  However, if I keep rambling, NO ONE will read this silly little blog.

So please, tell me what you think, PLEASE.  I would love to get someone else’s opinion, on how crazy and old I really am!!!  J

Sense of Humor

I used to be funny.  Like, you know, really funny.  My friends thought so, my family sorta thought so.  Since I became a step-mom, I don't recall anyone telling me they think I'm funny.  This is a very sad realization.  In an effort to keep up my humor, I visit this blog:
http://adayinthelifeofacrazedmom.blogspot.com/

She was my best friend junior year of high school.  I love her to death.  For various reasons, but for this season in my life, she helps the humor come out!!

Thanks Stefunk!!  Couldn't imagine going through this without you!!!

Just trying to lighten the mood for a moment.  Cause my family is going through hell at the moment.  Thanks for praying, as I try my best to pray for all of you

FULL information

Setting boundaries as a stepmom is so important. There are just some things I don't need to know and that are best handled by my husband..@cafeSmom on twitter

This is one of the many Stepmoms I follow on twitter.  This quote literally rocked my world.  I am still struggling with this thought.  I am a Type A, perfectionist, organized personality.  I need FULL information about everything before I can make an informed decision.  This is the way I was raised.  I can’t make a decision unless I have FULL information.  I can’t help you with your problem unless I have FULL information.  I have no idea when this started, but I know this is ingrained deep inside me.  I’m not even sure why, I just know I have always asked for FULL information.  In any argument, you most likely will hear me say something regarding FULL information. 

To be able to be “okay” with letting my husband handle his own kids his own way, without my input or knowledge is still a foreign concept to me.  And I do understand, this would only be best in certain situations, as if the child is mad at the mom.  That has nothing to do with the stepmom.  However, I don’t give up control easily.  I’ve spent almost two days thinking about this quote, and even had a twitter exchange with @cafeSmom to help me understand.  Well, I found the bottom line.  And I’m not sure it’s nice or acceptable, and could start a major relationship issue for me.  But I’ve learned one thing in my almost 39 years on this earth.  You can’t solve the problem, if you don’t admit to the problem.

Here is my problem:  My husband is not the best dad there ever was.  He is an “outta sight, outta mind” dad.  Meaning the 12 days we don’t have the kids, there is no communication or discussion about the kids, unless I bring it up.  We’ve discussed it and discussed it; he says he wants to be more communicative with his kids.  He never does it.  I realize I have to be the kind of Stepmom that equals the kind of Dad he wants to be.  However, what he says he wants and what he acts on are two totally different things.  I struggle with “helping” him be the Dad he wants to be vs. “letting” him screw up his girls lives on his own.  I know that sounds harsh, but some of you have to understand where I’m coming from, right?????  It is a daily struggle for me, to “let” him be the Dad he wants to be.  For me, that means treating these girls as nieces, not as step-daughters.  Does anyone understand how HARD that is for me??????????  It means daily giving up and sacrificing the kind of stepmom I wanna be to be the “aunt” that my husband wants me to be.

So please, weigh in, tell me how nuts or how wrong or how right you think I am.  As Stepmoms we need to stick together and help each other!!!

Thanks, still asking for your prayers and still praying for you!!

Long time, no blog . . . . . . . . . .

Long time, no blog . . . . .

Hey can you blame me, it’s my first year of marriage, I’ve raised one kid only to tell her goodbye, and the other kid I spend the whole time getting on to because she’s testing her boundaries, on top of which, financially I’ve been broke more often than not the past year.  I’m exhausted and emotionally bankrupt (I think that’s from a movie, but I’ve yet to remember what movie it is, hmmm [obvious nod to the pioneer woman here J]). 

So, I’d like to share my musings on having a step-daughter go from 16 – 18.  She was 16 when we met; her dad and I were pretty serious at that point.  She was a wounded spirit, and to some degree still is.  She lost her family to an abrupt divorce.  Then she lost her only brother in a tragic ATV accident at a church camp she was attending.  Just months later, her mom was engaged and married.  Then her dad did the same thing, to me.  She’s been through A LOT!!  But so have I!!  I went from wanting to share my every bit of wisdom with her, to not wanting her disrupting my home.  I equate it with those moms that desperately want a child, and in the throes of sleep-deprived nights, secretly have moments where they wish they didn’t have so much responsibility to another life.  This is what the first 6 months of step-motherhood was for me.  I didn’t want it, the feeling of realizing she wasn’t getting the life lessons I thought she should have, was devastating to me.  Because I thought I should, would and could fix it, with just a few simple lessons in analogy form.  Yes, that’s my naïve and innocent motherhood talking.  C’mon, I know you fellow mom’s out there know what that is.  When you really think, you can control the influences of your child’s life.  It is such a shock to find out, that in actual reality it’s not possible to control your child’s life, let alone your own life.  Hello, aha moment there for me!!!  In essence I went from being a mother to a toddler, to being the mother of a graduating senior going off for a summer job at summer camp (yes, the same one where her brother passed away) and then moving away to college.  We had our official last visit with her this last weekend.  I didn’t enjoy it!!  10 months is not long enough to “mother” a child.  But that was not my role.  And I have to keep telling myself that.  No matter how I feel about her mother’s role in her life, she was not given to me; I cannot teach her the things I feel she needs to know in the time I have left with her.  Because, quite simply, time has run out.  I did my best; I wish my best was better.  But alas, that is in the past.  I can support her, contact her, and love her from afar, like I do my niece and nephews.  That is my new resolution, quit making my life more difficult with the high expectations of step-motherhood I have for myself.  This was on the weekend after mother’s day, without a single solitary word from either step-child, and not much recognition from my husband.  It’s been a whirlwind, and I’m exhausted.  So, I apologize for my absence in the blog world, but I’ve been growing and healing as a God-breathed being and also as a wife, and stepmother. 

I still pray for all of you, I hope you haven’t stopped praying for me!

February 28, 1982

This is a partial post of the one I refered to here.  Just to let you know where my head began, who knows where it is now!!  :)  Thanks to Adrienne for the suggestion!!

February 28, 1982

I remember it like it was yesterday.  It was the day my dad died.  I was 9.  It was the single most tragic thing that ever happened to me, and definitely affected who I am today, both negatively and positively.  I do my best not to focus on the negative, my daddy didn’t get to walk me down the aisle, he didn’t get to scare any of my boyfriends in high school (which is the singular reason I married that first guy, I’m convinced ;)).  But if you’ve been following my blog long, you know the negativity is something I struggle with daily.  I always see the bad BEFORE the good, and sometimes I don’t see the good UNLESS someone else points it out.  This, I truly believe is because of my dad’s death.  When you are nine, the world is supposed to be magical and Disney like.  Mine was not!!  However, I had a great mom and a great little brother, and grandparents who truly did everything they could for me.  And as horrible as it seems, I would not change my life’s path.  I was a VERY shy little girl.  Part of the reason I came out of my shell, was I was forced to after my daddy’s death.

Didn't work

I just spent an hour on a post that I'm afraid is to personal to post.  This isn't the first time I've had this struggle.  Just at the point of posting, the computer SHUT DOWN.  I'm taking that to mean, it's too personal to post.  So please know, I'm attempting to update this blog of mine.  However, everything going on in my life, is not fit to share with the general public!  :(  Please pray for me and my family!

Okay, so I need your help!!

I need to blog on a more disciplined schedule.  But where do I draw the line??  Is keeping everybody’s name out of this keeping our anonymity??  Am I jeopardizing our privacy, or the girls feelings, by letting everyone on the planet (ok, the handful of people that actually read my posts) know what my innermost feelings are??  Why do I feel the need to tell strangers my deepest thoughts??  Does the answer to that question really matter??  This is what I know, I feel better, more positive, closer to God, praying more regularly, if I share my inner most feelings to strangers.  I don’t feel I can tell anyone else these lovely and sometimes heart breaking details of my life.  Do I need a mental professional??  I can’t afford one!!  Blogging (at least the way I do it) is cheap!!  It’s the easiest form of self therapy I have found.  Quite frankly, journaling doesn’t work for me.  Why write something no one will read, and asking people to read your journal just comes off as a little bit freaky, don’t you think??  Am I in my right mind??  Or even my left mind??  Sorry, a bit of dancer humor, right foot, left foot, just follow me, don’t think about which foot. 

This is the secret to my success as a dance teacher.  Shhh!! Please don’t share that with anyone!!  Have I mentioned how much I LOVE to teach dance.  I LIVE for the moment when the student’s face brightens and actually understands the technique we’ve been working on.  I just wish I had more students.  As I’m typing this one of my new weekly regulars just canceled.  UGH, that is so FRUSTRATING for me.  It comes down to, she didn’t organize her calendar well and she has a conflict.  I’m irritated!!  UGH!!  So, all you blog buddies, are you up for a blogging dance lesson??????????  Cool!!  As soon as I figure out how to do that, I will get right on top of it!! HA!

Seriously, though, would LOVE to hear your comments!!  Let me know what YOU think!!

On a side note, if you EVER notice a typo of ANY sort, PLEASE tell me!!  OK THANKS FOR YOUR SUPPORT!

Gold Stars

So, I’ve a bone to pick.  Do you realize how hard it is to sit a stepchild’s sport activity next to your husband’s ex and put your best foot forward????  There are things I know that make that extremely hard.  I know it is best for both kids for me to do just that.  But, is it too much to ask, to get a gold medal or a gold star, or some other gold covered thing, to reward such behavior???  I guess my problem is, I’m still the second grade kid wanting the teacher’s approval and fill that heart with good behavior first, so I can get the prize.  How sad is that?????  I didn’t say near the things I wanted to, to THAT woman, my husband’s ex.  Not to be confused with my step kids mom.  You see this is how I get through it, and how I get my husband to get through it.  I don’t talk to or have anything to do with my husband’s former wife.  However, I will laugh at, pretend to be interested in, and genuinely listen to the kids’ mom.  That is something that is important to me.  No matter how I feel about her mothering skills, or ability to treat these girls lovingly, she will ALWAYS be their mother.  This is something I will NEVER be.  Therefore, it is important for me to know, that 2 of the three kids were pigeon toed slightly on their right foot.  That the oldest seemed to grow out of it and the youngest is on her way to growing out of it.  This is something I care about and have some professional knowledge about.  I am a dancer, a ballet, tap, jazz and ballroom professionally trained dancer.  I know about muscles and anatomy, not as much as a medical doctor, but significantly more than the average person.  This is a very important fact I learned.  Had I said the things I wanted to, to my husband’s ex, I would have NEVER learned these facts.  But because I was interested in speaking to the kids’ mom, I learned a valuable fact.  WOW, that’s what comes to putting your kids (or even your step kids) first, before your need to feel superior or better than your husband’s ex.  Now if I can just get my hubby to make me a chart where we can add up those gold stars!!  Think it will happen??  Me neither!!! HA!!

Giving Up!

Giving up!

I’m famous for it!

I’m good at it!

However, I’m never happy about it.

I tend to give up early, on everything!

1.       Cleaning house – It’s always dirty; it will never be “clean enough” (due to my perfectionism within) so why start??  Just give up and live in filth.   No one around here seems to mind, much!

2.       Accomplishing anything – like organizing my closet so I can find the clothes that fit – why do it, there aren’t going to be enough clothes to choose from, so why start??

3.       Enjoying life – something is going to go wrong – have you watched the news lately??  I mean come on; just around the corner another will be another tragedy.

4.       I’m good at getting through tragedies, so why do anything until the next one??

Ok, it’s depressing me more to write it out!

Yikes, I have a problem and being snowed in ISN’T HELPING!!

I don’t know where to start, but I think I need help!

H . . . . E . . . . L . . . . P . . .  .

Off to find sunshine and rainbows – even if only on the screen of the laptop!!

Thanks for listening!

I gotta figure out how to see that glass half FULL!!!!!!

Any hints, I will be glad to hear them!!!!!!!!!!!!!

SNOW

I AM SICK AND TIRED OF THIS SNOW!!

I’m ready to move to Florida or Hawaii!!

Who needs 4 seasons, really??

This is nuts – Someone save me??????????

(Ok, technically Jesus has already saved me, but all this snow is a bit much, isn't it???  I mean I don't live in Chicago or anywhere close to being north.  I'm closer to the middle.  I think it's time to migrate south!!  Number one reason that won't work - - - - - Too bad my girls are rooted closer to the middle!!  Dang it!!!  I'm sure I can come up with more reasons, but who has the energy.  It's 6 pm and I haven't even made it out of bed except for bathroom and kitchen vists!!!)

To help my feeling of such lacking of EVERYTHING:  Here are some photos from the hubby.

Here's hoping this snow storm is over soon, it's starting to affect my mood!!

Upbeat and Making Progress

Who would’ve guessed??

I’ve blogged about the youngest one.

It’s now the eldest’s turn.

I was completely taken aback the other day.

I have to give a bit of background information here to make this make sense, so bear with me please.  I must talk about my phone.  My phone and I are inseparable.  Seriously I can’t breathe without it.  I know it’s terrible.  I seem to have an addictive personality and right now it’s my phone and Dr. Pepper.  Compared to my past, I’m doing MUCH MUCH better.  One thing at a time is my motto.  So I’m always checking my phone, facebook, twitter, texts, games, etc.

So my phone vibrates the other day, nothing new, really.  When I look at my phone, it’s a text, FROM THE OLDEST.  First thing to do is to check the hubby’s phone.  Nope, there was no text on his phone from her.  I open the text, and it’s just a random thought she wanted to share.  HALLELUJAH AND PRAISE THE LORD.  I can officially say my oldest and I have a relationship.  We continued to talk for about 6-8 more texts.  It was absolutely lovely.  I tried VERY hard not to come through the texts as I was physically.  Jumping up and down, doing the happy dance.  Wow, perseverance and patience pays off.  It worked, it worked.  I love that girl more and more every day.

Thank you, Lord, for your many blessings (even when I see them as complaints and hardships!).

Now to wait on the next moment of breakthrough. . . . . .

The Job?????

The job

UPDATE on this post.

Well, he didn’t get the job; turns out corporate put into effect a hiring freeze.  WHATEVER!  Boo Hoo for our finances, but yay more time to be with family.  I have no idea how we are going to make it through this month financially, except to say I’m leaning on my faith.  Hubby has applied for every job he can find, and no one will hire him.  I’m doing my best to scrape every penny together, but it’s getting tight.  I’m consistently looking for more work as well and just signed a new student today!  So Praise God for that!! 

Please pray for us, that we see what God has planned for us.  As I truly believe He has a plan and his timing is perfect.  I’m just impatient.  I’m doing better, but at 38 I should be doing better!  LOL

Well I’m posting this cause I promised I would.

So I did.

Not that anyone noticed.

Here’s to hoping for a bigger blog following!

Thanks for listening.

Thanks for your prayers.

I pray for all of you daily! (Which right not doesn’t take long, there’s only a handful of you!  LOL)

Jewelry Organizer?????

Jewelry Organizer

UPDATE on this post.

I love jewelry.  I do.  In moving to a house as a wife I was having trouble finding a place to put everything, since on top of every surface wasn’t acceptable.  I asked for a jewelry organizer for Christmas.  Look what I received!!  I’m so pleased!! Plus I was inspired by the Pioneer Woman’s recent infatuation with a multitude of jewelry organizers.  (If you aren’t familiar with her, please stop and go read, she’s hilarious and teaches lifelong lessons, like how to make gravy from scratch!)

I actually did accomplish something that day.  I think I will let the pictures speak for themselves!!

Here are the three before shots:

1.       Closed – please ignore the pillows on the floor and the wicked trashcan!

2.       Open with hardly anything to show.

3.       The middle of the process, sprawled all over the bed with remote and laptop within reach (just in case my self-motivation lacked at any moment! LOL)

4.       Open with lots of stuff to show.  (Whew, I can finally find what I’m looking for, as long as I can remember long enough what I’m looking for!! LOL)  Please ignore the power cord and the reflection of my husband’s leg in the mirror as he lays across the bed to take the pics!!!

5. Doesn't it look the same full vs. empty??

And the final picture:

What the jewelry organizer has proved to be very convenient at:  my laptop holder!!  HA!!

Looking Back

So I did something unusual tonight.  I read through ALL of my old blog posts, the same way I used to keep a journal.  I learned so MANY things that I thought it would be important to actually share them with you.

1.       Can you tell from all my posts that I like to make lists?? (Oh wait, not on subject, sorry!)

2.       The areas in which I asked for specific prayer for, I actually feel much stronger and more positive about.  I have to THANK YOU for that.  That says to me, you are reading and you are praying!!  WOW, I’m touched beyond belief.  I’m easy to tear up; just ask my hubby.  He’s beginning to roll his eyes, when I tear up at commercials or worse u-tube videos! LOL 

3.       I never updated the things I needed to update on you.  So there will be blog posts to update you on things.  Mainly the following: jewelry organizer and job.  I figured if I didn’t admit to them I wouldn’t do it.  That being accountable thing really works.  Don’t tell my pastor that I’m admitting he was right!! LOL

4.        I have made SO much personal progress on my feelings of step-mother-hood since starting this blog.  I’m more confident, more able and more willing.  Maybe it has something to do with this.  Nah, it was all you guys, my blog followers!!  LOL

5.       Kiss my husband, oh wait, that’s not for the blog list, sorry!

6.       Last, and definitely not least, there are people out there that care about what I have to write, WOW and THANK YOU!!  Love all of you.  If you need prayer, please leave me a comment, I would LOVE to return the favor!!

Thanks again, for being on this journey WITH me!!  It’s been a pleasure, and I’m looking forward to more!!

Six Months!!

I will be married to my wonderful husband for six months on Monday January 31, 2011.  I can’t believe it!!  It’s such a shock!! Why is it a shock, here is my list of reasons:

1.       I don’t get along well with most people.  At some point and time I find it necessary to get mad and let it affect the relationship.

2.       There were some (and I’m not naming names) who said this might be the biggest mistake of my life.  (And I’m really doing my best not to get in their face and say NA-NA-NA-NA-NA-NA but I might at say our 25^th Anniversary.  Just sayin!)

3.       Some parts of me really expected unhappiness, horrid to admit to, but true.

4.       He has kids.  (And I haven’t killed them {metaphorically speaking of course!})

5.       I’m a picky eater and don’t cook.  (That should’ve spelled doom from the start!)

Now I’m shocked that the list isn’t longer. 

Why, simple.  I’m not the easiest person to get to know.  I tend to build walls and not let people close.  I was hurt at a young age (my dad died of colon cancer when I was nine).  So deep down I was afraid, (key word AFRAID) that old habits would resurface living with another human being 24/7.  They didn’t!!  One reason, we keep God and prayer first!!

On a much lighter note, the depth of our marital love was proved this week; in a very unusual (yet usual for us) way.  We love Dr. Pepper.  And I mean L O V E!!  Not as much as each other, of course.  Well not as much as we love our Lord and Savior; and of course not as much as we do love “our girls”.  Wow, Dr. Pepper (DP) got moved from #2 on the love list to #4, hope he doesn’t mind.  Ok, on to the point.  With the recent snow, rain and ice we ran out of DP, which is practically a sin in and of itself.  (Please see the humor intended in that sentence!)  There was enough left in the last bottle for one last glass.  We both kept “saving” it for one another.  For so long, that when we finally replenished (part weather, part laziness) and I went to poor a glass both for myself and my beloved, IT WAS FLAT!!  Please tell me you see the absurd humor in that!!!  We saved so much, that it was ruined.  Morale to the story is:  Live life like you mean it.  Every day, every way, and in every word!!

Are you waiting . . . . cause I sure am!!

WAIT UPON THE LORD…….

Isaiah 40:31 English Standard Version
but they who wait for the LORD shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings like eagles; they shall run and not be weary; they shall walk and not faint.

I’ve known this for quite some time.  I waited on my husband for 13 years.  Now don’t take that as you just thought it!  I was single after a very unhappy and nasty divorce for 13 years before reconnecting with my hubby.  I went through many trials and tribulations healing from that first marriage.  These are not areas I wish to revisit, at least not yet.  I got VERY close to GOD, a thing in which is easier to do without a husband in the way.  At least, that’s what I think today.  I reserve the right to change my mind at any moment! 

(Knowing me as you ALL do, you will realize I say that about EVERYTHING, just ask my husband, or my dance students.  I’ve many theories, which I’m waiting for someone to prove or disprove.  Usually I leave the disproving to me though, call it my type A-OCD [which should be CDO as to be in abc order, but that’s another and much longer post] personality.)

(Don’t you love my side notes in parenthesis, like you are my very bestest friend and would know these facts about me anyway???  Good.  I do too, this way I can pretend to actually have bestest friends that read my blog! HA!)

Okay, waiting.  I waited on Mr. Right and although not everyone would say they agreed with me.  I found Mr. Right.  He’s so right for me, it’s scary.  He forces me to be a better woman.  I’m not the kind you can force into anything, so that in itself is a miracle.  But again, that’s another post.  I think I’m also a little ADD or even ADHD.  Sorry, please trudge forward and I will do my best to do the same. 

Here is my point.

I thought the waiting was over after I found Mr. Right.

What if I was wrong? (HEAVEN FORBID! And please don’t tell my husband, that I might possibly be admitting to being wrong!)

What if waiting is a life long journey?

Because, now I’m waiting on a close and good relationship with “my girls”.  And although, we’ve made strides of progress, there is still progress to be made.  It’s like I told a student of mine.  Dance is a lifelong art form.  You can continue to learn new and different things within a step or technique.  It’s not a thing where you can learn everything and simply check it off your list.  It doesn’t work that way.  What if life is like that?  You aren’t meant to simply learn something and say, ok I got it, no more work to be done in that area.

We are consistently waiting.  Bottom line:  waiting on Jesus return to then get to spend eternity in the most beautiful place in the world with the most beautiful people we’ve ever met.

So I’m a check off my list kinda gal.  I love to make a list and then check it off.  It’s like laundry, no matter how much you do or try to keep up with; there is always more dirty laundry in the making. 

I think, and a bit afraid, that life is like that too. 

Now, do I lay down and die and say forget it, it’s not worth it.

OR

Do I say, ok list, today I’m gonna win, you may win tomorrow, but today, I put my best foot forward and try to love Jesus and the people close to me the best I can.

Well

I

Choose

The

Second

Option.

Or at least I will try!!

How about you?

What do you think?

Am I nuts?

Wait scratch that last question, would love to hear your theory on waiting!!

So . . . . . . I’m waiting!

P.S.  I know there is no such word as “bestest” but nothing else came close to expressing my feeling of “bestest”.  Grammar experts forgive me. (Which I should’ve asked at the beginning of this blog, grammar is not my strongest point!) J