RLA

RLA

Today marks two years without him, my husband’s only son.  I’ve blogged about him before.  Today is marked with so many emotions.  I long for my husband’s grieving to be “over”, yet intellectually I know that may never happen.  Not until the day he gets to see his son in heaven reunited with Jesus.  I pray for my husband today, that the grief won’t overtake him, yet I don’t want to forget.  I know my husband doesn’t want to forget him.  I miss the boy.  I never met the boy.  He was almost a man, just less than a month from 18.  His youngest sister is now older than he will ever be.   His baby sister is a decade old.  These are things he doesn’t get to experience.   In some ways this is so sad and depressing; it’s hard to get out of bed.  In some ways, it makes me really feel for his mom.  I can’t imagine the pain she’s going through, and I should probably be more understanding when she exerts her “momness” of the two girls into our lives.  I would never take away that she is the mom of three kids.  But as a stepmom (and you fellow stepmoms know what I mean), the bio mom can just be a pain in the neck.  However, that is a complete different post.  This is about RLA. 

I have no words.

I only have sad thoughts.

I miss him.

I never met him.

I love him.

I love to hear stories about him.

I wish I knew more.

I wish I knew less.

I wish, I wish, I wish, I wish.

Wishing doesn’t do anyone any good.

I’m doing my best to step one foot in front of the other.  (bad musical memory here, did anyone else hear it?)

Pray for me today.

Pray for RLA’s dad today.

Pray for RLA’s sisters today.

Pray for RLA’s mom today.

Pray for RLA’s grandparents today.

Let’s all pray together!

Dear Heavenly Father, Thank you for your generous blessings and protections.  Please allow the angel of the Lord to encamp around each of the people hurting today over RLA’s loss.  Our loss is your gain.  May the peace that passes all understanding envelop each individual that hurts.  In Jesus Mighty Name I pray.  AMEN. 

Long time, no blog . . . . . . . . . .

Long time, no blog . . . . .

Hey can you blame me, it’s my first year of marriage, I’ve raised one kid only to tell her goodbye, and the other kid I spend the whole time getting on to because she’s testing her boundaries, on top of which, financially I’ve been broke more often than not the past year.  I’m exhausted and emotionally bankrupt (I think that’s from a movie, but I’ve yet to remember what movie it is, hmmm [obvious nod to the pioneer woman here J]). 

So, I’d like to share my musings on having a step-daughter go from 16 – 18.  She was 16 when we met; her dad and I were pretty serious at that point.  She was a wounded spirit, and to some degree still is.  She lost her family to an abrupt divorce.  Then she lost her only brother in a tragic ATV accident at a church camp she was attending.  Just months later, her mom was engaged and married.  Then her dad did the same thing, to me.  She’s been through A LOT!!  But so have I!!  I went from wanting to share my every bit of wisdom with her, to not wanting her disrupting my home.  I equate it with those moms that desperately want a child, and in the throes of sleep-deprived nights, secretly have moments where they wish they didn’t have so much responsibility to another life.  This is what the first 6 months of step-motherhood was for me.  I didn’t want it, the feeling of realizing she wasn’t getting the life lessons I thought she should have, was devastating to me.  Because I thought I should, would and could fix it, with just a few simple lessons in analogy form.  Yes, that’s my naïve and innocent motherhood talking.  C’mon, I know you fellow mom’s out there know what that is.  When you really think, you can control the influences of your child’s life.  It is such a shock to find out, that in actual reality it’s not possible to control your child’s life, let alone your own life.  Hello, aha moment there for me!!!  In essence I went from being a mother to a toddler, to being the mother of a graduating senior going off for a summer job at summer camp (yes, the same one where her brother passed away) and then moving away to college.  We had our official last visit with her this last weekend.  I didn’t enjoy it!!  10 months is not long enough to “mother” a child.  But that was not my role.  And I have to keep telling myself that.  No matter how I feel about her mother’s role in her life, she was not given to me; I cannot teach her the things I feel she needs to know in the time I have left with her.  Because, quite simply, time has run out.  I did my best; I wish my best was better.  But alas, that is in the past.  I can support her, contact her, and love her from afar, like I do my niece and nephews.  That is my new resolution, quit making my life more difficult with the high expectations of step-motherhood I have for myself.  This was on the weekend after mother’s day, without a single solitary word from either step-child, and not much recognition from my husband.  It’s been a whirlwind, and I’m exhausted.  So, I apologize for my absence in the blog world, but I’ve been growing and healing as a God-breathed being and also as a wife, and stepmother. 

I still pray for all of you, I hope you haven’t stopped praying for me!

I'm mad!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I’m mad!

Yes, that’s right.  I’m mad.

It’s taken me quite awhile to admit it, but yes I’m mad.  And worse, there’s not a dad blaming thing I can do about it.  It ties my stomach in knots.  It makes me cry.  It makes me scream.  It makes me wanna run for the hills.  It’s the most horrific thing a human can go through and there is nothing that I can do to help it.

Oh yeah, you (most likely) don’t know me and don’t know what the heck I’m talking about.  My husband’s son (RLA) was TRAGICALLY killed in an ATV accident in June of 2009.  A mere 12 days after my husband and I started talking through facebook, he went through the most horrific thing in his life.  I was devastated and misunderstood.  It was hard for me to work, it was hard for me to cry, it was just plain hard. 

However, for my husband (a mere high school friend to reconnect almost 20 years later at the time) it was HELL.  I’m sorry there is no other word for it.  A parent SHOULD NOT have to bury a child.  I know; my grandmother did.  My dad died when I was 9.  It is a defining part of my life and who I am.  I know that life is unfair.  I know that life hurts.  I know that you can lose people.  I know a lot about pain and loss.  However, to lose a child that I will never get to be a step-mother to (which I am convinced is the hardest job on earth, not motherhood!) is hard.  You see, it’s not for me to grieve for him, I didn’t know him.  I will never know first hand what his bear hugs were like; or how infectious his laughter and energy were.  It truly kills me that I will NEVER know these things.  It’s the hardest thing I deal with.  I do my best to keep his memory alive and encourage not only my husband, but also “my girls” to tell me their favorite stories.

Just this weekend I learned about my step-son’s laughter.  How unusual it was.  Nobody can describe it to me.  And we can’t find it on video or audio anywhere.  The four of us (hubby, me and the girls) talked about it for quite some time after family game night.  No one could describe it for me.  No it’s not like Dad’s.  No it’s like Mom’s.  It’s not even a combination of the two.  It was his own signature.  Which I am learning is most of what his life was. 

In thinking about how he and I would interact, I’m sure there would be times my straight-laced strict upbringing would disapprove of his social choices.  However, I think I would  be smiling under my “tough teacher” exterior. 

RLA, I will always love you, and I will always do my best to help your family never forget you.  I hope I get to meet you someday, and I also hope you’ve met my dad up in heaven.  And that you are sharing a laugh or two over your experiences.  As my hubby always says, “Miss ya kiddo, see you on the other side someday. . . . “