To chore or NOT to chore????????????????????

To chore or NOT to chore . . . .

As you know, I have to step-daughters.  However, since one just recently graduated from high school, we’ve been forced to a one kid family.  (The oldest is spending the summer at church camp working as a counselor and then will move to college almost directly from camp. L) The dynamics are SO different, SO calm, and SO almost easy.  Now, I don’t want to jinx myself, but our last visit had NO drama; which is the very FIRST time that has happened!!!  However, that is a completely different post!!

I’m asking all my fellow stepmoms about the chore issue.  I am a stepmom, who sees her step kids every 12 days for 48 hours.  Translated that means every other weekend.  Do we as a family enforce “chore” duty?  She is 10.  She is capable of much.  I have NO IDEA what she has to do at her mom and stepdad’s house.  We are not in a relationship where this can be discussed.  Trust me; it’s just not there yet.  My feeling is, this child is handed EVERYTHING on a silver platter.  She is not expected to do ANYTHING.  So “making” her do “typical” 10 year old chores may be starting WWIII; which is exactly why I haven’t.  However, I’m wondering if I am actually creating a disservice towards her for this??  I would love to hear your opinion and your routines.  Even if you are not a stepmom, what do you require, how do you handle it??  I’m a first time mom, and it’s a stepmom, and it’s to a precarious 10 year old girl.  PLEASE SEND HELP!!

Thanks!!

The Oldest's Graduation

I know you are all dying to know how it went; being with the “other” side of the family, etc.  Well, I lived through it.  But that was the single worst night of my life.  I hope and pray the oldest didn’t see my misery; however, I’m pretty sure she did.  And I feel horrible for it, still!!  I am trying desperately to move forward.  But this is something I struggle with, moving forward.  I’d much rather evaluate and examine every thought, move and feeling from the past, as so I can learn from it.  You know what I’ve learned?  Sometimes, that just doesn’t cut it.  Sometimes, it’s better to say, I screwed that up royally, can we please just move forward?  There are so many things that went wrong that night, both personally in my own head, in my marriage with a lack of communication, and with being with the “other” side of the family.  It’s really just best not to rehash it.  I just hope I’ve learned to move on my instincts to stay home, when they tell me.  And I hope my husband has learned to keep his word, when we’ve discussed a particular situation.  Please pray for me, my husband, my marriage and my wonderful step-daughter, who left for her summer job, then off to college.  We may never see her again, and that isn’t one of my dramatic over the top exaggerations!! L

Graduation

The oldest graduates TOMORROW!!  I don't want to go!!  There was some terrific trauma drama and my feelings were hurt, DEEP!!  I'm doing my best to put my best foot forward, but I've learned I do that better long distance through email or text message.  I am NOT looking forward to seeing all these people that caused me so much emotional hurt.  On top of which, the oldest will no longer be coming for the weekend visits.  It will only be the youngest.  Until this last trauma drama, I thought the oldest and I were pretty close.  I've learned through this trauma drama, that we aren't, at all.  This may be the last time we see her, except for the occasional holiday that she decides to not spend with her mom.  So I figure, I need to prepare myself, never to see her again.  I'm a bag full of tears, and we haven't even left yet.  I'm gonna need LOTS of prayers tomorrow.  Please help me get through this Lord, without contributing to the trauma drama.  Cause I can be the biggest drama queen these people have ever seen.  I'm really trying hard NOT to introduce them to her tomorrow, but LORD help me, if I'm provoked . . . . . Oh LORD help!!  On top of which, I cry at the hint of the drop of a hat.  So it's not like I can keep far enough distance from her other side of the family that they won't know I'm upset about something.  Lord, help me keep my mouth SHUT!!

Long time, no blog . . . . . . . . . .

Long time, no blog . . . . .

Hey can you blame me, it’s my first year of marriage, I’ve raised one kid only to tell her goodbye, and the other kid I spend the whole time getting on to because she’s testing her boundaries, on top of which, financially I’ve been broke more often than not the past year.  I’m exhausted and emotionally bankrupt (I think that’s from a movie, but I’ve yet to remember what movie it is, hmmm [obvious nod to the pioneer woman here J]). 

So, I’d like to share my musings on having a step-daughter go from 16 – 18.  She was 16 when we met; her dad and I were pretty serious at that point.  She was a wounded spirit, and to some degree still is.  She lost her family to an abrupt divorce.  Then she lost her only brother in a tragic ATV accident at a church camp she was attending.  Just months later, her mom was engaged and married.  Then her dad did the same thing, to me.  She’s been through A LOT!!  But so have I!!  I went from wanting to share my every bit of wisdom with her, to not wanting her disrupting my home.  I equate it with those moms that desperately want a child, and in the throes of sleep-deprived nights, secretly have moments where they wish they didn’t have so much responsibility to another life.  This is what the first 6 months of step-motherhood was for me.  I didn’t want it, the feeling of realizing she wasn’t getting the life lessons I thought she should have, was devastating to me.  Because I thought I should, would and could fix it, with just a few simple lessons in analogy form.  Yes, that’s my naïve and innocent motherhood talking.  C’mon, I know you fellow mom’s out there know what that is.  When you really think, you can control the influences of your child’s life.  It is such a shock to find out, that in actual reality it’s not possible to control your child’s life, let alone your own life.  Hello, aha moment there for me!!!  In essence I went from being a mother to a toddler, to being the mother of a graduating senior going off for a summer job at summer camp (yes, the same one where her brother passed away) and then moving away to college.  We had our official last visit with her this last weekend.  I didn’t enjoy it!!  10 months is not long enough to “mother” a child.  But that was not my role.  And I have to keep telling myself that.  No matter how I feel about her mother’s role in her life, she was not given to me; I cannot teach her the things I feel she needs to know in the time I have left with her.  Because, quite simply, time has run out.  I did my best; I wish my best was better.  But alas, that is in the past.  I can support her, contact her, and love her from afar, like I do my niece and nephews.  That is my new resolution, quit making my life more difficult with the high expectations of step-motherhood I have for myself.  This was on the weekend after mother’s day, without a single solitary word from either step-child, and not much recognition from my husband.  It’s been a whirlwind, and I’m exhausted.  So, I apologize for my absence in the blog world, but I’ve been growing and healing as a God-breathed being and also as a wife, and stepmother. 

I still pray for all of you, I hope you haven’t stopped praying for me!

Upbeat and Making Progress

Who would’ve guessed??

I’ve blogged about the youngest one.

It’s now the eldest’s turn.

I was completely taken aback the other day.

I have to give a bit of background information here to make this make sense, so bear with me please.  I must talk about my phone.  My phone and I are inseparable.  Seriously I can’t breathe without it.  I know it’s terrible.  I seem to have an addictive personality and right now it’s my phone and Dr. Pepper.  Compared to my past, I’m doing MUCH MUCH better.  One thing at a time is my motto.  So I’m always checking my phone, facebook, twitter, texts, games, etc.

So my phone vibrates the other day, nothing new, really.  When I look at my phone, it’s a text, FROM THE OLDEST.  First thing to do is to check the hubby’s phone.  Nope, there was no text on his phone from her.  I open the text, and it’s just a random thought she wanted to share.  HALLELUJAH AND PRAISE THE LORD.  I can officially say my oldest and I have a relationship.  We continued to talk for about 6-8 more texts.  It was absolutely lovely.  I tried VERY hard not to come through the texts as I was physically.  Jumping up and down, doing the happy dance.  Wow, perseverance and patience pays off.  It worked, it worked.  I love that girl more and more every day.

Thank you, Lord, for your many blessings (even when I see them as complaints and hardships!).

Now to wait on the next moment of breakthrough. . . . . .