You wanna do what???

So I posted last May regarding my new dream, stand up comedy.  I've watched, admired, laughed, and dreamed for years about it.  I only started admitting to it a few months back.  And I do get a few laughs now and then, but in a classroom type setting.  You see I'm a dance teacher (so much for being completely anonymous on this blog); a 25 year veteran dance teacher.  So I have a few "routine" jokes to get the class relaxed.  After 25 years I can deliver these jokes without too much thought or prep and at least usually get a chuckle or obligatory laugh.  Well, I've just been offered the opportunity to do a stand-up type routine for a ladies group.


HELLO
SCARED
AND
EXCITED
AT
THE
SAME
TIME.

I'm 40 years old, and I didn't even know it was possible to have those emotions at the same time.  This ladies group is at my home church of 14 years.  There are people that know me well, there are people that have never even HEARD of me.  (We go to a fairly large church with average attendance of about 1500). 

So I'd like your advice, do I do it?  Will you help me test my "material"?  Yikes!!  What if I fail??  Worse, what if I'm really good and I have to do it again??  The thoughts swimming in my head barely stay still long enough for me to carry on normal daily life.

Please help me and share your thoughts!!!

Pray for me as I continue to pray for you!!

THANKS!!!  :-)

To have or NOT to have . . . . . .

To have, or NOT to have

We lived through yesterday, but I swear I can’t trust my hormones anymore.  My hair turned curly for a month, and then just abruptly went back to the straight with one wave in the back.  I cry at the drop of the hat, or not.  And we don’t even need to talk about frustration or anger; it only takes a millisecond to push me over the edge.  NO I AM NOT PREGNANT; I’ve taken my pretty little pill every day like clockwork, even set a phone alarm so I can’t forget to take it.  The last thing I need in this step mom life is a child.  I can’t even tell you how many times my husband and I have discussed it and how many times logically I feel one way and emotionally I feel another!!  Whew!!  I needed to get that off my chest!!  Thanks for listening, or reading as the case may be!!  I have a feeling this year is gonna be emotional.  I always promised myself IF I chose to have children I would do it before I was 40.  (I turned 39 on Monday).  So I know this is the last year.  I’m finally in a loving, dedicated, and lifetime committed relationship.  But I also realize, we are not financially or emotionally ready for such another lifetime commitment.  I’m too selfish.  I need MY time.  I need at least 10 hours of sleep a night (I actually work better with 12 hours).  These are things that CAN NOT and WILL NOT happen with a newborn in the house!   I know, my youngest brother was born when I was 17.  His father (my stepfather) left when he was 6 months old.    I was the second parent, right or wrong, that was my role in the family.  I don’t want the burden of a child. 

Hmm, so I am telling my reasons, or trying to talk myself out of this????????  Please tell me, how did you make your choice to have or not to have?  I’d love to know!!!

I love my husband!

I love my husband.

I’ve heard many a woman say these words.  I thought I understood these words.  I don’t think I do.  I’m learning and I’m getting there.  And with every passing day, I learn more, and love more.  I really didn’t think that was possible.  Really, I didn’t.  Maybe I’m naïve.  Maybe I’m stupid, or not “street smart” as they say.  But I’m learning to love through the hardships, and can I say that love is better and greater than the love they portray in movies?  Yes, I can say that.  I do say that.  I love him more now than ever before.  And because I am a type A perfectionist, organized personality, I’m now trying to analyze why in the this is true.  I’m sure this is such a shock to the 5 followers that I do have, but for you new people, in case there are any, this is what I do.  Question EVERYTHING.  I’m sure I would’ve made a good scientist; however, I couldn’t handle all the experiments and dissections.  YUK!!!  I’m losing my train of thought, which happens more as I inch towards the last aging birthday.  23 days, to be exact.  Until I turn . . . . wait for it . . . . 39.  I think I just might stop there, no need to be 40.  Cause the women in my family don’t age, at all.  My mom’s age is top secret, even part of the wedding vows with my husband.  I know her as 36.  I keep telling her, we have to redo that, cause now I’m older than she is, and no one no matter how stupid they might be, is gonna fall for that one!  HA! 

Moving on, where was I going??  Oh yeah, my love for my husband.  I have a theory.  I love him, because there are no rules or regulations.  With everyone I’ve ever loved, there have been rules, you must act a certain way, dress a certain way, present yourself a certain way.  With my husband, there isn’t.  I don’t understand that completely, but that is the way I feel, the way I’ve always felt.  I must be the “good” little girl for my mom; I must be the “trophy wife” for my first husband.  I was taught somewhere along the way, that to love somebody, meant you followed their rules.  I understand that sounds crazy, but it’s taken me almost 39 years to figure out it sounds crazy.  I thought it was real, it was natural, it was fun, to follow the “life rules” of the one you love.  You know, like when you were in elementary school and you didn’t step on cracks, and you called each other silly head like it was the curse word that comes out of your mouth now when you stub your toe!!  My “love” never matured into complete and unconditional love, not until I met my husband.  I don’t know why.  I’ve spent many the hours trying to figure it out, believe me.  However, if I keep rambling, NO ONE will read this silly little blog.

So please, tell me what you think, PLEASE.  I would love to get someone else’s opinion, on how crazy and old I really am!!!  J

Sense of Humor

I used to be funny.  Like, you know, really funny.  My friends thought so, my family sorta thought so.  Since I became a step-mom, I don't recall anyone telling me they think I'm funny.  This is a very sad realization.  In an effort to keep up my humor, I visit this blog:
http://adayinthelifeofacrazedmom.blogspot.com/

She was my best friend junior year of high school.  I love her to death.  For various reasons, but for this season in my life, she helps the humor come out!!

Thanks Stefunk!!  Couldn't imagine going through this without you!!!

Just trying to lighten the mood for a moment.  Cause my family is going through hell at the moment.  Thanks for praying, as I try my best to pray for all of you

FULL information

Setting boundaries as a stepmom is so important. There are just some things I don't need to know and that are best handled by my husband..@cafeSmom on twitter

This is one of the many Stepmoms I follow on twitter.  This quote literally rocked my world.  I am still struggling with this thought.  I am a Type A, perfectionist, organized personality.  I need FULL information about everything before I can make an informed decision.  This is the way I was raised.  I can’t make a decision unless I have FULL information.  I can’t help you with your problem unless I have FULL information.  I have no idea when this started, but I know this is ingrained deep inside me.  I’m not even sure why, I just know I have always asked for FULL information.  In any argument, you most likely will hear me say something regarding FULL information. 

To be able to be “okay” with letting my husband handle his own kids his own way, without my input or knowledge is still a foreign concept to me.  And I do understand, this would only be best in certain situations, as if the child is mad at the mom.  That has nothing to do with the stepmom.  However, I don’t give up control easily.  I’ve spent almost two days thinking about this quote, and even had a twitter exchange with @cafeSmom to help me understand.  Well, I found the bottom line.  And I’m not sure it’s nice or acceptable, and could start a major relationship issue for me.  But I’ve learned one thing in my almost 39 years on this earth.  You can’t solve the problem, if you don’t admit to the problem.

Here is my problem:  My husband is not the best dad there ever was.  He is an “outta sight, outta mind” dad.  Meaning the 12 days we don’t have the kids, there is no communication or discussion about the kids, unless I bring it up.  We’ve discussed it and discussed it; he says he wants to be more communicative with his kids.  He never does it.  I realize I have to be the kind of Stepmom that equals the kind of Dad he wants to be.  However, what he says he wants and what he acts on are two totally different things.  I struggle with “helping” him be the Dad he wants to be vs. “letting” him screw up his girls lives on his own.  I know that sounds harsh, but some of you have to understand where I’m coming from, right?????  It is a daily struggle for me, to “let” him be the Dad he wants to be.  For me, that means treating these girls as nieces, not as step-daughters.  Does anyone understand how HARD that is for me??????????  It means daily giving up and sacrificing the kind of stepmom I wanna be to be the “aunt” that my husband wants me to be.

So please, weigh in, tell me how nuts or how wrong or how right you think I am.  As Stepmoms we need to stick together and help each other!!!

Thanks, still asking for your prayers and still praying for you!!

Okay, so I need your help!!

I need to blog on a more disciplined schedule.  But where do I draw the line??  Is keeping everybody’s name out of this keeping our anonymity??  Am I jeopardizing our privacy, or the girls feelings, by letting everyone on the planet (ok, the handful of people that actually read my posts) know what my innermost feelings are??  Why do I feel the need to tell strangers my deepest thoughts??  Does the answer to that question really matter??  This is what I know, I feel better, more positive, closer to God, praying more regularly, if I share my inner most feelings to strangers.  I don’t feel I can tell anyone else these lovely and sometimes heart breaking details of my life.  Do I need a mental professional??  I can’t afford one!!  Blogging (at least the way I do it) is cheap!!  It’s the easiest form of self therapy I have found.  Quite frankly, journaling doesn’t work for me.  Why write something no one will read, and asking people to read your journal just comes off as a little bit freaky, don’t you think??  Am I in my right mind??  Or even my left mind??  Sorry, a bit of dancer humor, right foot, left foot, just follow me, don’t think about which foot. 

This is the secret to my success as a dance teacher.  Shhh!! Please don’t share that with anyone!!  Have I mentioned how much I LOVE to teach dance.  I LIVE for the moment when the student’s face brightens and actually understands the technique we’ve been working on.  I just wish I had more students.  As I’m typing this one of my new weekly regulars just canceled.  UGH, that is so FRUSTRATING for me.  It comes down to, she didn’t organize her calendar well and she has a conflict.  I’m irritated!!  UGH!!  So, all you blog buddies, are you up for a blogging dance lesson??????????  Cool!!  As soon as I figure out how to do that, I will get right on top of it!! HA!

Seriously, though, would LOVE to hear your comments!!  Let me know what YOU think!!

On a side note, if you EVER notice a typo of ANY sort, PLEASE tell me!!  OK THANKS FOR YOUR SUPPORT!

Gold Stars

So, I’ve a bone to pick.  Do you realize how hard it is to sit a stepchild’s sport activity next to your husband’s ex and put your best foot forward????  There are things I know that make that extremely hard.  I know it is best for both kids for me to do just that.  But, is it too much to ask, to get a gold medal or a gold star, or some other gold covered thing, to reward such behavior???  I guess my problem is, I’m still the second grade kid wanting the teacher’s approval and fill that heart with good behavior first, so I can get the prize.  How sad is that?????  I didn’t say near the things I wanted to, to THAT woman, my husband’s ex.  Not to be confused with my step kids mom.  You see this is how I get through it, and how I get my husband to get through it.  I don’t talk to or have anything to do with my husband’s former wife.  However, I will laugh at, pretend to be interested in, and genuinely listen to the kids’ mom.  That is something that is important to me.  No matter how I feel about her mothering skills, or ability to treat these girls lovingly, she will ALWAYS be their mother.  This is something I will NEVER be.  Therefore, it is important for me to know, that 2 of the three kids were pigeon toed slightly on their right foot.  That the oldest seemed to grow out of it and the youngest is on her way to growing out of it.  This is something I care about and have some professional knowledge about.  I am a dancer, a ballet, tap, jazz and ballroom professionally trained dancer.  I know about muscles and anatomy, not as much as a medical doctor, but significantly more than the average person.  This is a very important fact I learned.  Had I said the things I wanted to, to my husband’s ex, I would have NEVER learned these facts.  But because I was interested in speaking to the kids’ mom, I learned a valuable fact.  WOW, that’s what comes to putting your kids (or even your step kids) first, before your need to feel superior or better than your husband’s ex.  Now if I can just get my hubby to make me a chart where we can add up those gold stars!!  Think it will happen??  Me neither!!! HA!!

SNOW

I AM SICK AND TIRED OF THIS SNOW!!

I’m ready to move to Florida or Hawaii!!

Who needs 4 seasons, really??

This is nuts – Someone save me??????????

(Ok, technically Jesus has already saved me, but all this snow is a bit much, isn't it???  I mean I don't live in Chicago or anywhere close to being north.  I'm closer to the middle.  I think it's time to migrate south!!  Number one reason that won't work - - - - - Too bad my girls are rooted closer to the middle!!  Dang it!!!  I'm sure I can come up with more reasons, but who has the energy.  It's 6 pm and I haven't even made it out of bed except for bathroom and kitchen vists!!!)

To help my feeling of such lacking of EVERYTHING:  Here are some photos from the hubby.

Here's hoping this snow storm is over soon, it's starting to affect my mood!!

Upbeat and Making Progress

Who would’ve guessed??

I’ve blogged about the youngest one.

It’s now the eldest’s turn.

I was completely taken aback the other day.

I have to give a bit of background information here to make this make sense, so bear with me please.  I must talk about my phone.  My phone and I are inseparable.  Seriously I can’t breathe without it.  I know it’s terrible.  I seem to have an addictive personality and right now it’s my phone and Dr. Pepper.  Compared to my past, I’m doing MUCH MUCH better.  One thing at a time is my motto.  So I’m always checking my phone, facebook, twitter, texts, games, etc.

So my phone vibrates the other day, nothing new, really.  When I look at my phone, it’s a text, FROM THE OLDEST.  First thing to do is to check the hubby’s phone.  Nope, there was no text on his phone from her.  I open the text, and it’s just a random thought she wanted to share.  HALLELUJAH AND PRAISE THE LORD.  I can officially say my oldest and I have a relationship.  We continued to talk for about 6-8 more texts.  It was absolutely lovely.  I tried VERY hard not to come through the texts as I was physically.  Jumping up and down, doing the happy dance.  Wow, perseverance and patience pays off.  It worked, it worked.  I love that girl more and more every day.

Thank you, Lord, for your many blessings (even when I see them as complaints and hardships!).

Now to wait on the next moment of breakthrough. . . . . .

Looking Back

So I did something unusual tonight.  I read through ALL of my old blog posts, the same way I used to keep a journal.  I learned so MANY things that I thought it would be important to actually share them with you.

1.       Can you tell from all my posts that I like to make lists?? (Oh wait, not on subject, sorry!)

2.       The areas in which I asked for specific prayer for, I actually feel much stronger and more positive about.  I have to THANK YOU for that.  That says to me, you are reading and you are praying!!  WOW, I’m touched beyond belief.  I’m easy to tear up; just ask my hubby.  He’s beginning to roll his eyes, when I tear up at commercials or worse u-tube videos! LOL 

3.       I never updated the things I needed to update on you.  So there will be blog posts to update you on things.  Mainly the following: jewelry organizer and job.  I figured if I didn’t admit to them I wouldn’t do it.  That being accountable thing really works.  Don’t tell my pastor that I’m admitting he was right!! LOL

4.        I have made SO much personal progress on my feelings of step-mother-hood since starting this blog.  I’m more confident, more able and more willing.  Maybe it has something to do with this.  Nah, it was all you guys, my blog followers!!  LOL

5.       Kiss my husband, oh wait, that’s not for the blog list, sorry!

6.       Last, and definitely not least, there are people out there that care about what I have to write, WOW and THANK YOU!!  Love all of you.  If you need prayer, please leave me a comment, I would LOVE to return the favor!!

Thanks again, for being on this journey WITH me!!  It’s been a pleasure, and I’m looking forward to more!!

I'm nervous!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I’m nervous.

Evidently my blog posts have taken to relating directly to my feelings!

So, today hubby had a job interview.  This is a good thing, a really good thing.  Neither of us has been employed full time since June.  HOWEVER, this may mean the honeymoon is over.  This man spoils me completely.  I do not cook, hardly ever; mostly due to the fact that I am a VERY picky eater.  I eat like most 7 year olds.  Embarrassing, I know, but hey it works for me.  I like my body (for the most part, I mean, come on I’m an American woman!)  That and trying new things is a difficult concept for me.  Just to go out with my hubby that first time took some long talks, but that’s another story. And I’m rambling, so on to the serious part of the nervousness!!

This new job may also mean more time alone with “my girls”; which is SCARY!!  I mean we are doing well, however, any changes to our current attack plan, could put that into jeopardy. 

Considering it takes money to live in this house, run the electric, gas and cable, and drives to get “my girls” every 12 days, then he needs to land this job.  However, landing it means more time away from not only “my girls” but also more time away from me.  I know that we can handle anything that comes our way, especially with God by our side and with prayer and petition.  But, hey, I’m nervous about it.  So I’m telling you all about it!!  Hoping and praying it makes me feel better.

. . . . . .

 . . . . . .

  . . . . . . .

Oh yeah, not many people read this blog, cause I’ve decided for “my girls” sake to keep it anonymous; so that I feel free to express my real feelings.  However, no one comments and tells me I’m not crazy.  To a woman who craves “words of affirmation”, this may not have been the smartest way to go about expressing myself.  However, I couldn’t find another way.  Hmmmmm. . . . . . .

Praying for strength and wisdom, and the ability to love “my girls” like no other, I will talk to the blog world the next time I have the self-motivation I get to actually blog.

P.S.  Anybody have any good remedies for motivating oneself?????????  I’m thinking getting the hubby out of the house on a regular basis and forcing my butt to actually fend for myself, may be the best one!  HA!  However, may not be the easiest one!!  YIKES!!  Please, PRAY FOR ME!!!

I'm mad!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I’m mad!

Yes, that’s right.  I’m mad.

It’s taken me quite awhile to admit it, but yes I’m mad.  And worse, there’s not a dad blaming thing I can do about it.  It ties my stomach in knots.  It makes me cry.  It makes me scream.  It makes me wanna run for the hills.  It’s the most horrific thing a human can go through and there is nothing that I can do to help it.

Oh yeah, you (most likely) don’t know me and don’t know what the heck I’m talking about.  My husband’s son (RLA) was TRAGICALLY killed in an ATV accident in June of 2009.  A mere 12 days after my husband and I started talking through facebook, he went through the most horrific thing in his life.  I was devastated and misunderstood.  It was hard for me to work, it was hard for me to cry, it was just plain hard. 

However, for my husband (a mere high school friend to reconnect almost 20 years later at the time) it was HELL.  I’m sorry there is no other word for it.  A parent SHOULD NOT have to bury a child.  I know; my grandmother did.  My dad died when I was 9.  It is a defining part of my life and who I am.  I know that life is unfair.  I know that life hurts.  I know that you can lose people.  I know a lot about pain and loss.  However, to lose a child that I will never get to be a step-mother to (which I am convinced is the hardest job on earth, not motherhood!) is hard.  You see, it’s not for me to grieve for him, I didn’t know him.  I will never know first hand what his bear hugs were like; or how infectious his laughter and energy were.  It truly kills me that I will NEVER know these things.  It’s the hardest thing I deal with.  I do my best to keep his memory alive and encourage not only my husband, but also “my girls” to tell me their favorite stories.

Just this weekend I learned about my step-son’s laughter.  How unusual it was.  Nobody can describe it to me.  And we can’t find it on video or audio anywhere.  The four of us (hubby, me and the girls) talked about it for quite some time after family game night.  No one could describe it for me.  No it’s not like Dad’s.  No it’s like Mom’s.  It’s not even a combination of the two.  It was his own signature.  Which I am learning is most of what his life was. 

In thinking about how he and I would interact, I’m sure there would be times my straight-laced strict upbringing would disapprove of his social choices.  However, I think I would  be smiling under my “tough teacher” exterior. 

RLA, I will always love you, and I will always do my best to help your family never forget you.  I hope I get to meet you someday, and I also hope you’ve met my dad up in heaven.  And that you are sharing a laugh or two over your experiences.  As my hubby always says, “Miss ya kiddo, see you on the other side someday. . . . “

Self-Motivation???????????

So, today, I need to get off this little butt of mine and accomplish something.  Hmmmm, wonder if I will.  I’ve been feeling a bit “under-motivated” lately.  Like, really self lacking, identifying with the depression medication commercials, thinking I may not reach all of my goals for 2011. (Please forgive my use of the word like, I deleted 48 others.  I am a child of the 80’s like is like in my like vocabulary for life like it or not! Please don’t tell my mother.  And speaking of things not to tell my mother, oh wait, never mind, that list would be way too long!)

However, I’m doing better on my first goal, blog more.  I think this post will make more posts than I made all of 2010, granted I only started in November, but hey, ya gotta start somewhere, right?

The hubby and I discussed goals for 2011.  However, I don’t think we set anything major.  Our goals are always the same, put God first, love unconditionally and have often open and honest communication.  I’m a very strong believer in communication.  Just ask the hubby, I kept him up till 3 am last night asking him heavy life questions.  He loves me enough to stay up and try to honestly answer all of my crazy questions.  I love him so!

I think today I will tackle my new jewelry organizer.  I never can find anything I want to wear.  Yes, thank you cricket chirping blog world.  This is my goal for today.  Please stay tuned for tomorrow and see if I actually accomplish it.  Maybe we should take bets??  My standard bet, a Braum’s double dip.  You win either way! 

So blog world, who’s with me??????????

Sharing

Well, guess what??  I've discovered the secret to Step Parenting.  It's sharing.  I know, simple enough, how come it took me this long, and how in the world does it seem so hard.  Well to truly answer those questions, I must start at the beginning. 

I'm the oldest child and the only girl.  So sharing wasn't really learned well.  I mean what brother wants to play with his sister's girly toys.  And what sister wants to play with boy toys.  Definitely NOT me!!  I was never and will never be anything resembling a tom boy.  Besides some of my mom's MANY rules, I've discovered, were really anti-sharing.  Such as, no sharing of clothing or jewelry with any girl.  Do you know what that does to a junior high and high school girl's social life.  It crashes, but that's another story, all in and of itself.

So I must share more, share my space, share my things, share my relationships, especially with my husband.  I'm not good at sharing, never have been.  So please, pray for me.  Because you see, my lovely step-daughters will be spending 10 days with us for the holidays. 

Did you hear that???

10 full days??

I'm not freaking out.

No, not at all.

I wasn't meant to be a full-time mom.  I KNOW THIS.  If I had any doubts, believe me being a step mom every twelve days to a 9 and 17 year old, drives the point home.

Please pray for me, as I do try my best to share on the outside, while on the inside I will be screaming . . . .

LEAVE ME ALONE, IT'S ALL MINE like a silly two year old.

OH

MY

THIS

IS

GONNA

BE

HARD.

PLEASE PRAY!!

Thanks -
the worst step mom ever!