The Oldest's Graduation

I know you are all dying to know how it went; being with the “other” side of the family, etc.  Well, I lived through it.  But that was the single worst night of my life.  I hope and pray the oldest didn’t see my misery; however, I’m pretty sure she did.  And I feel horrible for it, still!!  I am trying desperately to move forward.  But this is something I struggle with, moving forward.  I’d much rather evaluate and examine every thought, move and feeling from the past, as so I can learn from it.  You know what I’ve learned?  Sometimes, that just doesn’t cut it.  Sometimes, it’s better to say, I screwed that up royally, can we please just move forward?  There are so many things that went wrong that night, both personally in my own head, in my marriage with a lack of communication, and with being with the “other” side of the family.  It’s really just best not to rehash it.  I just hope I’ve learned to move on my instincts to stay home, when they tell me.  And I hope my husband has learned to keep his word, when we’ve discussed a particular situation.  Please pray for me, my husband, my marriage and my wonderful step-daughter, who left for her summer job, then off to college.  We may never see her again, and that isn’t one of my dramatic over the top exaggerations!! L

keep praying

Keep praying for me, graduation postponed until tomorrow night, and to save gas bringing the youngest home a day early, which translates to a day for her and I alone.  I know I can do it, but feeling a bit nervous!!  YIKES!!  Going with relaxed dialogue to find out more about her, and hoping she wants to do something specific and hoping more, whatever is it's cheap, as DHS garnished 2/3 of hubby's paycheck and refund check not expected until Monday!!  Too many challenges this week!!!  KEEP PRAYING as I keep praying for ALL of you!!  Thanks!!

Graduation

The oldest graduates TOMORROW!!  I don't want to go!!  There was some terrific trauma drama and my feelings were hurt, DEEP!!  I'm doing my best to put my best foot forward, but I've learned I do that better long distance through email or text message.  I am NOT looking forward to seeing all these people that caused me so much emotional hurt.  On top of which, the oldest will no longer be coming for the weekend visits.  It will only be the youngest.  Until this last trauma drama, I thought the oldest and I were pretty close.  I've learned through this trauma drama, that we aren't, at all.  This may be the last time we see her, except for the occasional holiday that she decides to not spend with her mom.  So I figure, I need to prepare myself, never to see her again.  I'm a bag full of tears, and we haven't even left yet.  I'm gonna need LOTS of prayers tomorrow.  Please help me get through this Lord, without contributing to the trauma drama.  Cause I can be the biggest drama queen these people have ever seen.  I'm really trying hard NOT to introduce them to her tomorrow, but LORD help me, if I'm provoked . . . . . Oh LORD help!!  On top of which, I cry at the hint of the drop of a hat.  So it's not like I can keep far enough distance from her other side of the family that they won't know I'm upset about something.  Lord, help me keep my mouth SHUT!!

I love my husband!

I love my husband.

I’ve heard many a woman say these words.  I thought I understood these words.  I don’t think I do.  I’m learning and I’m getting there.  And with every passing day, I learn more, and love more.  I really didn’t think that was possible.  Really, I didn’t.  Maybe I’m naïve.  Maybe I’m stupid, or not “street smart” as they say.  But I’m learning to love through the hardships, and can I say that love is better and greater than the love they portray in movies?  Yes, I can say that.  I do say that.  I love him more now than ever before.  And because I am a type A perfectionist, organized personality, I’m now trying to analyze why in the this is true.  I’m sure this is such a shock to the 5 followers that I do have, but for you new people, in case there are any, this is what I do.  Question EVERYTHING.  I’m sure I would’ve made a good scientist; however, I couldn’t handle all the experiments and dissections.  YUK!!!  I’m losing my train of thought, which happens more as I inch towards the last aging birthday.  23 days, to be exact.  Until I turn . . . . wait for it . . . . 39.  I think I just might stop there, no need to be 40.  Cause the women in my family don’t age, at all.  My mom’s age is top secret, even part of the wedding vows with my husband.  I know her as 36.  I keep telling her, we have to redo that, cause now I’m older than she is, and no one no matter how stupid they might be, is gonna fall for that one!  HA! 

Moving on, where was I going??  Oh yeah, my love for my husband.  I have a theory.  I love him, because there are no rules or regulations.  With everyone I’ve ever loved, there have been rules, you must act a certain way, dress a certain way, present yourself a certain way.  With my husband, there isn’t.  I don’t understand that completely, but that is the way I feel, the way I’ve always felt.  I must be the “good” little girl for my mom; I must be the “trophy wife” for my first husband.  I was taught somewhere along the way, that to love somebody, meant you followed their rules.  I understand that sounds crazy, but it’s taken me almost 39 years to figure out it sounds crazy.  I thought it was real, it was natural, it was fun, to follow the “life rules” of the one you love.  You know, like when you were in elementary school and you didn’t step on cracks, and you called each other silly head like it was the curse word that comes out of your mouth now when you stub your toe!!  My “love” never matured into complete and unconditional love, not until I met my husband.  I don’t know why.  I’ve spent many the hours trying to figure it out, believe me.  However, if I keep rambling, NO ONE will read this silly little blog.

So please, tell me what you think, PLEASE.  I would love to get someone else’s opinion, on how crazy and old I really am!!!  J

Sense of Humor

I used to be funny.  Like, you know, really funny.  My friends thought so, my family sorta thought so.  Since I became a step-mom, I don't recall anyone telling me they think I'm funny.  This is a very sad realization.  In an effort to keep up my humor, I visit this blog:
http://adayinthelifeofacrazedmom.blogspot.com/

She was my best friend junior year of high school.  I love her to death.  For various reasons, but for this season in my life, she helps the humor come out!!

Thanks Stefunk!!  Couldn't imagine going through this without you!!!

Just trying to lighten the mood for a moment.  Cause my family is going through hell at the moment.  Thanks for praying, as I try my best to pray for all of you

FULL information

Setting boundaries as a stepmom is so important. There are just some things I don't need to know and that are best handled by my husband..@cafeSmom on twitter

This is one of the many Stepmoms I follow on twitter.  This quote literally rocked my world.  I am still struggling with this thought.  I am a Type A, perfectionist, organized personality.  I need FULL information about everything before I can make an informed decision.  This is the way I was raised.  I can’t make a decision unless I have FULL information.  I can’t help you with your problem unless I have FULL information.  I have no idea when this started, but I know this is ingrained deep inside me.  I’m not even sure why, I just know I have always asked for FULL information.  In any argument, you most likely will hear me say something regarding FULL information. 

To be able to be “okay” with letting my husband handle his own kids his own way, without my input or knowledge is still a foreign concept to me.  And I do understand, this would only be best in certain situations, as if the child is mad at the mom.  That has nothing to do with the stepmom.  However, I don’t give up control easily.  I’ve spent almost two days thinking about this quote, and even had a twitter exchange with @cafeSmom to help me understand.  Well, I found the bottom line.  And I’m not sure it’s nice or acceptable, and could start a major relationship issue for me.  But I’ve learned one thing in my almost 39 years on this earth.  You can’t solve the problem, if you don’t admit to the problem.

Here is my problem:  My husband is not the best dad there ever was.  He is an “outta sight, outta mind” dad.  Meaning the 12 days we don’t have the kids, there is no communication or discussion about the kids, unless I bring it up.  We’ve discussed it and discussed it; he says he wants to be more communicative with his kids.  He never does it.  I realize I have to be the kind of Stepmom that equals the kind of Dad he wants to be.  However, what he says he wants and what he acts on are two totally different things.  I struggle with “helping” him be the Dad he wants to be vs. “letting” him screw up his girls lives on his own.  I know that sounds harsh, but some of you have to understand where I’m coming from, right?????  It is a daily struggle for me, to “let” him be the Dad he wants to be.  For me, that means treating these girls as nieces, not as step-daughters.  Does anyone understand how HARD that is for me??????????  It means daily giving up and sacrificing the kind of stepmom I wanna be to be the “aunt” that my husband wants me to be.

So please, weigh in, tell me how nuts or how wrong or how right you think I am.  As Stepmoms we need to stick together and help each other!!!

Thanks, still asking for your prayers and still praying for you!!

Long time, no blog . . . . . . . . . .

Long time, no blog . . . . .

Hey can you blame me, it’s my first year of marriage, I’ve raised one kid only to tell her goodbye, and the other kid I spend the whole time getting on to because she’s testing her boundaries, on top of which, financially I’ve been broke more often than not the past year.  I’m exhausted and emotionally bankrupt (I think that’s from a movie, but I’ve yet to remember what movie it is, hmmm [obvious nod to the pioneer woman here J]). 

So, I’d like to share my musings on having a step-daughter go from 16 – 18.  She was 16 when we met; her dad and I were pretty serious at that point.  She was a wounded spirit, and to some degree still is.  She lost her family to an abrupt divorce.  Then she lost her only brother in a tragic ATV accident at a church camp she was attending.  Just months later, her mom was engaged and married.  Then her dad did the same thing, to me.  She’s been through A LOT!!  But so have I!!  I went from wanting to share my every bit of wisdom with her, to not wanting her disrupting my home.  I equate it with those moms that desperately want a child, and in the throes of sleep-deprived nights, secretly have moments where they wish they didn’t have so much responsibility to another life.  This is what the first 6 months of step-motherhood was for me.  I didn’t want it, the feeling of realizing she wasn’t getting the life lessons I thought she should have, was devastating to me.  Because I thought I should, would and could fix it, with just a few simple lessons in analogy form.  Yes, that’s my naïve and innocent motherhood talking.  C’mon, I know you fellow mom’s out there know what that is.  When you really think, you can control the influences of your child’s life.  It is such a shock to find out, that in actual reality it’s not possible to control your child’s life, let alone your own life.  Hello, aha moment there for me!!!  In essence I went from being a mother to a toddler, to being the mother of a graduating senior going off for a summer job at summer camp (yes, the same one where her brother passed away) and then moving away to college.  We had our official last visit with her this last weekend.  I didn’t enjoy it!!  10 months is not long enough to “mother” a child.  But that was not my role.  And I have to keep telling myself that.  No matter how I feel about her mother’s role in her life, she was not given to me; I cannot teach her the things I feel she needs to know in the time I have left with her.  Because, quite simply, time has run out.  I did my best; I wish my best was better.  But alas, that is in the past.  I can support her, contact her, and love her from afar, like I do my niece and nephews.  That is my new resolution, quit making my life more difficult with the high expectations of step-motherhood I have for myself.  This was on the weekend after mother’s day, without a single solitary word from either step-child, and not much recognition from my husband.  It’s been a whirlwind, and I’m exhausted.  So, I apologize for my absence in the blog world, but I’ve been growing and healing as a God-breathed being and also as a wife, and stepmother. 

I still pray for all of you, I hope you haven’t stopped praying for me!