To have or NOT to have . . . . . .

To have, or NOT to have

We lived through yesterday, but I swear I can’t trust my hormones anymore.  My hair turned curly for a month, and then just abruptly went back to the straight with one wave in the back.  I cry at the drop of the hat, or not.  And we don’t even need to talk about frustration or anger; it only takes a millisecond to push me over the edge.  NO I AM NOT PREGNANT; I’ve taken my pretty little pill every day like clockwork, even set a phone alarm so I can’t forget to take it.  The last thing I need in this step mom life is a child.  I can’t even tell you how many times my husband and I have discussed it and how many times logically I feel one way and emotionally I feel another!!  Whew!!  I needed to get that off my chest!!  Thanks for listening, or reading as the case may be!!  I have a feeling this year is gonna be emotional.  I always promised myself IF I chose to have children I would do it before I was 40.  (I turned 39 on Monday).  So I know this is the last year.  I’m finally in a loving, dedicated, and lifetime committed relationship.  But I also realize, we are not financially or emotionally ready for such another lifetime commitment.  I’m too selfish.  I need MY time.  I need at least 10 hours of sleep a night (I actually work better with 12 hours).  These are things that CAN NOT and WILL NOT happen with a newborn in the house!   I know, my youngest brother was born when I was 17.  His father (my stepfather) left when he was 6 months old.    I was the second parent, right or wrong, that was my role in the family.  I don’t want the burden of a child. 

Hmm, so I am telling my reasons, or trying to talk myself out of this????????  Please tell me, how did you make your choice to have or not to have?  I’d love to know!!!