Long time, no blog . . . . . . . . . .

Long time, no blog . . . . .

Hey can you blame me, it’s my first year of marriage, I’ve raised one kid only to tell her goodbye, and the other kid I spend the whole time getting on to because she’s testing her boundaries, on top of which, financially I’ve been broke more often than not the past year.  I’m exhausted and emotionally bankrupt (I think that’s from a movie, but I’ve yet to remember what movie it is, hmmm [obvious nod to the pioneer woman here J]). 

So, I’d like to share my musings on having a step-daughter go from 16 – 18.  She was 16 when we met; her dad and I were pretty serious at that point.  She was a wounded spirit, and to some degree still is.  She lost her family to an abrupt divorce.  Then she lost her only brother in a tragic ATV accident at a church camp she was attending.  Just months later, her mom was engaged and married.  Then her dad did the same thing, to me.  She’s been through A LOT!!  But so have I!!  I went from wanting to share my every bit of wisdom with her, to not wanting her disrupting my home.  I equate it with those moms that desperately want a child, and in the throes of sleep-deprived nights, secretly have moments where they wish they didn’t have so much responsibility to another life.  This is what the first 6 months of step-motherhood was for me.  I didn’t want it, the feeling of realizing she wasn’t getting the life lessons I thought she should have, was devastating to me.  Because I thought I should, would and could fix it, with just a few simple lessons in analogy form.  Yes, that’s my naïve and innocent motherhood talking.  C’mon, I know you fellow mom’s out there know what that is.  When you really think, you can control the influences of your child’s life.  It is such a shock to find out, that in actual reality it’s not possible to control your child’s life, let alone your own life.  Hello, aha moment there for me!!!  In essence I went from being a mother to a toddler, to being the mother of a graduating senior going off for a summer job at summer camp (yes, the same one where her brother passed away) and then moving away to college.  We had our official last visit with her this last weekend.  I didn’t enjoy it!!  10 months is not long enough to “mother” a child.  But that was not my role.  And I have to keep telling myself that.  No matter how I feel about her mother’s role in her life, she was not given to me; I cannot teach her the things I feel she needs to know in the time I have left with her.  Because, quite simply, time has run out.  I did my best; I wish my best was better.  But alas, that is in the past.  I can support her, contact her, and love her from afar, like I do my niece and nephews.  That is my new resolution, quit making my life more difficult with the high expectations of step-motherhood I have for myself.  This was on the weekend after mother’s day, without a single solitary word from either step-child, and not much recognition from my husband.  It’s been a whirlwind, and I’m exhausted.  So, I apologize for my absence in the blog world, but I’ve been growing and healing as a God-breathed being and also as a wife, and stepmother. 

I still pray for all of you, I hope you haven’t stopped praying for me!