July 31, 2012

It's been a LONG time since I've blogged.  Can we just ignore that fact and get on with what's on my heart????

Thank you SO much!!

:)

2 years

7/31/12

It’s been a ride in a half.  How you have half a ride I don’t know.  But I know this, just tell my husband and I we can’t and we will find a way too!!  We got married under questionable circumstances, at least according to MY family.  His family may have disagreed as well; however, no one has told me anything about it (until someone decides to open up after reading this post YIKES!).  He was unemployed.  Recent honorable discharge from full time military duty made it difficult to find a job in 2010.  Then under circumstances that no one would fully understand, I chose to leave my job of 9 years just 20 days before the wedding.  Can you say, oops??  Talk about hard!  There was NO money.  There were NO jobs.  We were looking, but we were more importantly learning a lot about each other; how to deal with the real world and still love each other.  You know it’s possible.  We did it!  We have a stronger marriage because of it.  BUT IT WAS HARD!  And we are still struggling; however, we are both working.  And although I’m not working full time, my stress level is LOW and time to take care of our home and our family is there!

I tell you all this to tell you this – I am married to the most wonderful man in the whole entire world.  I truly believe there is no one else on earth that would “complete” me the way he does.  Not that I wasn’t complete on my own, because believe me I was and I would tell you so at every available chance.  He knows how to encourage me.  He knows how to love me unconditionally.  He knows how to make me laugh IN EVERY CIRCUMSTANCE.  (Believe it or not, once upon a time, that was the hardest thing to accomplish!)  Yes, he also knows how to drive me crazy, frustrate me, push all my buttons, and make me angrier than any other human on the planet.  BUT THAT IS NOT WHAT THIS POST IS ABOUT!  J 

Our anniversary yesterday was fantabulously (one of my many original words ;)) wonderful.  He surprised me, gave me flowers, cards (yes plural two cards for two years, his words not mine) gave me gifts (two of those as well) took me to breakfast and dinner, rolled with the punches when the restaurant he made reservations at closed due to no power.  He told me not to get him anything, I didn’t.  I don’t like how that feels.  I am pretty good at buying gifts, but when money is tight I’m not very creative.  So, I’m telling the world via, my little neglected blog what an awesome man he truly is.  You may not believe me, and I’m finally old enough and secure enough not to care.  Just want the world to know, this woman has found her perfect helpmeet.  I pray every woman on the planet gets to feel this way for as long as humanly possible.

I do love you babe, and really hope we live long enough to be married 50 years!!

I love my husband!

I love my husband.

I’ve heard many a woman say these words.  I thought I understood these words.  I don’t think I do.  I’m learning and I’m getting there.  And with every passing day, I learn more, and love more.  I really didn’t think that was possible.  Really, I didn’t.  Maybe I’m naïve.  Maybe I’m stupid, or not “street smart” as they say.  But I’m learning to love through the hardships, and can I say that love is better and greater than the love they portray in movies?  Yes, I can say that.  I do say that.  I love him more now than ever before.  And because I am a type A perfectionist, organized personality, I’m now trying to analyze why in the this is true.  I’m sure this is such a shock to the 5 followers that I do have, but for you new people, in case there are any, this is what I do.  Question EVERYTHING.  I’m sure I would’ve made a good scientist; however, I couldn’t handle all the experiments and dissections.  YUK!!!  I’m losing my train of thought, which happens more as I inch towards the last aging birthday.  23 days, to be exact.  Until I turn . . . . wait for it . . . . 39.  I think I just might stop there, no need to be 40.  Cause the women in my family don’t age, at all.  My mom’s age is top secret, even part of the wedding vows with my husband.  I know her as 36.  I keep telling her, we have to redo that, cause now I’m older than she is, and no one no matter how stupid they might be, is gonna fall for that one!  HA! 

Moving on, where was I going??  Oh yeah, my love for my husband.  I have a theory.  I love him, because there are no rules or regulations.  With everyone I’ve ever loved, there have been rules, you must act a certain way, dress a certain way, present yourself a certain way.  With my husband, there isn’t.  I don’t understand that completely, but that is the way I feel, the way I’ve always felt.  I must be the “good” little girl for my mom; I must be the “trophy wife” for my first husband.  I was taught somewhere along the way, that to love somebody, meant you followed their rules.  I understand that sounds crazy, but it’s taken me almost 39 years to figure out it sounds crazy.  I thought it was real, it was natural, it was fun, to follow the “life rules” of the one you love.  You know, like when you were in elementary school and you didn’t step on cracks, and you called each other silly head like it was the curse word that comes out of your mouth now when you stub your toe!!  My “love” never matured into complete and unconditional love, not until I met my husband.  I don’t know why.  I’ve spent many the hours trying to figure it out, believe me.  However, if I keep rambling, NO ONE will read this silly little blog.

So please, tell me what you think, PLEASE.  I would love to get someone else’s opinion, on how crazy and old I really am!!!  J

FULL information

Setting boundaries as a stepmom is so important. There are just some things I don't need to know and that are best handled by my husband..@cafeSmom on twitter

This is one of the many Stepmoms I follow on twitter.  This quote literally rocked my world.  I am still struggling with this thought.  I am a Type A, perfectionist, organized personality.  I need FULL information about everything before I can make an informed decision.  This is the way I was raised.  I can’t make a decision unless I have FULL information.  I can’t help you with your problem unless I have FULL information.  I have no idea when this started, but I know this is ingrained deep inside me.  I’m not even sure why, I just know I have always asked for FULL information.  In any argument, you most likely will hear me say something regarding FULL information. 

To be able to be “okay” with letting my husband handle his own kids his own way, without my input or knowledge is still a foreign concept to me.  And I do understand, this would only be best in certain situations, as if the child is mad at the mom.  That has nothing to do with the stepmom.  However, I don’t give up control easily.  I’ve spent almost two days thinking about this quote, and even had a twitter exchange with @cafeSmom to help me understand.  Well, I found the bottom line.  And I’m not sure it’s nice or acceptable, and could start a major relationship issue for me.  But I’ve learned one thing in my almost 39 years on this earth.  You can’t solve the problem, if you don’t admit to the problem.

Here is my problem:  My husband is not the best dad there ever was.  He is an “outta sight, outta mind” dad.  Meaning the 12 days we don’t have the kids, there is no communication or discussion about the kids, unless I bring it up.  We’ve discussed it and discussed it; he says he wants to be more communicative with his kids.  He never does it.  I realize I have to be the kind of Stepmom that equals the kind of Dad he wants to be.  However, what he says he wants and what he acts on are two totally different things.  I struggle with “helping” him be the Dad he wants to be vs. “letting” him screw up his girls lives on his own.  I know that sounds harsh, but some of you have to understand where I’m coming from, right?????  It is a daily struggle for me, to “let” him be the Dad he wants to be.  For me, that means treating these girls as nieces, not as step-daughters.  Does anyone understand how HARD that is for me??????????  It means daily giving up and sacrificing the kind of stepmom I wanna be to be the “aunt” that my husband wants me to be.

So please, weigh in, tell me how nuts or how wrong or how right you think I am.  As Stepmoms we need to stick together and help each other!!!

Thanks, still asking for your prayers and still praying for you!!

Gold Stars

So, I’ve a bone to pick.  Do you realize how hard it is to sit a stepchild’s sport activity next to your husband’s ex and put your best foot forward????  There are things I know that make that extremely hard.  I know it is best for both kids for me to do just that.  But, is it too much to ask, to get a gold medal or a gold star, or some other gold covered thing, to reward such behavior???  I guess my problem is, I’m still the second grade kid wanting the teacher’s approval and fill that heart with good behavior first, so I can get the prize.  How sad is that?????  I didn’t say near the things I wanted to, to THAT woman, my husband’s ex.  Not to be confused with my step kids mom.  You see this is how I get through it, and how I get my husband to get through it.  I don’t talk to or have anything to do with my husband’s former wife.  However, I will laugh at, pretend to be interested in, and genuinely listen to the kids’ mom.  That is something that is important to me.  No matter how I feel about her mothering skills, or ability to treat these girls lovingly, she will ALWAYS be their mother.  This is something I will NEVER be.  Therefore, it is important for me to know, that 2 of the three kids were pigeon toed slightly on their right foot.  That the oldest seemed to grow out of it and the youngest is on her way to growing out of it.  This is something I care about and have some professional knowledge about.  I am a dancer, a ballet, tap, jazz and ballroom professionally trained dancer.  I know about muscles and anatomy, not as much as a medical doctor, but significantly more than the average person.  This is a very important fact I learned.  Had I said the things I wanted to, to my husband’s ex, I would have NEVER learned these facts.  But because I was interested in speaking to the kids’ mom, I learned a valuable fact.  WOW, that’s what comes to putting your kids (or even your step kids) first, before your need to feel superior or better than your husband’s ex.  Now if I can just get my hubby to make me a chart where we can add up those gold stars!!  Think it will happen??  Me neither!!! HA!!

Six Months!!

I will be married to my wonderful husband for six months on Monday January 31, 2011.  I can’t believe it!!  It’s such a shock!! Why is it a shock, here is my list of reasons:

1.       I don’t get along well with most people.  At some point and time I find it necessary to get mad and let it affect the relationship.

2.       There were some (and I’m not naming names) who said this might be the biggest mistake of my life.  (And I’m really doing my best not to get in their face and say NA-NA-NA-NA-NA-NA but I might at say our 25^th Anniversary.  Just sayin!)

3.       Some parts of me really expected unhappiness, horrid to admit to, but true.

4.       He has kids.  (And I haven’t killed them {metaphorically speaking of course!})

5.       I’m a picky eater and don’t cook.  (That should’ve spelled doom from the start!)

Now I’m shocked that the list isn’t longer. 

Why, simple.  I’m not the easiest person to get to know.  I tend to build walls and not let people close.  I was hurt at a young age (my dad died of colon cancer when I was nine).  So deep down I was afraid, (key word AFRAID) that old habits would resurface living with another human being 24/7.  They didn’t!!  One reason, we keep God and prayer first!!

On a much lighter note, the depth of our marital love was proved this week; in a very unusual (yet usual for us) way.  We love Dr. Pepper.  And I mean L O V E!!  Not as much as each other, of course.  Well not as much as we love our Lord and Savior; and of course not as much as we do love “our girls”.  Wow, Dr. Pepper (DP) got moved from #2 on the love list to #4, hope he doesn’t mind.  Ok, on to the point.  With the recent snow, rain and ice we ran out of DP, which is practically a sin in and of itself.  (Please see the humor intended in that sentence!)  There was enough left in the last bottle for one last glass.  We both kept “saving” it for one another.  For so long, that when we finally replenished (part weather, part laziness) and I went to poor a glass both for myself and my beloved, IT WAS FLAT!!  Please tell me you see the absurd humor in that!!!  We saved so much, that it was ruined.  Morale to the story is:  Live life like you mean it.  Every day, every way, and in every word!!

Are you waiting . . . . cause I sure am!!

WAIT UPON THE LORD…….

Isaiah 40:31 English Standard Version
but they who wait for the LORD shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings like eagles; they shall run and not be weary; they shall walk and not faint.

I’ve known this for quite some time.  I waited on my husband for 13 years.  Now don’t take that as you just thought it!  I was single after a very unhappy and nasty divorce for 13 years before reconnecting with my hubby.  I went through many trials and tribulations healing from that first marriage.  These are not areas I wish to revisit, at least not yet.  I got VERY close to GOD, a thing in which is easier to do without a husband in the way.  At least, that’s what I think today.  I reserve the right to change my mind at any moment! 

(Knowing me as you ALL do, you will realize I say that about EVERYTHING, just ask my husband, or my dance students.  I’ve many theories, which I’m waiting for someone to prove or disprove.  Usually I leave the disproving to me though, call it my type A-OCD [which should be CDO as to be in abc order, but that’s another and much longer post] personality.)

(Don’t you love my side notes in parenthesis, like you are my very bestest friend and would know these facts about me anyway???  Good.  I do too, this way I can pretend to actually have bestest friends that read my blog! HA!)

Okay, waiting.  I waited on Mr. Right and although not everyone would say they agreed with me.  I found Mr. Right.  He’s so right for me, it’s scary.  He forces me to be a better woman.  I’m not the kind you can force into anything, so that in itself is a miracle.  But again, that’s another post.  I think I’m also a little ADD or even ADHD.  Sorry, please trudge forward and I will do my best to do the same. 

Here is my point.

I thought the waiting was over after I found Mr. Right.

What if I was wrong? (HEAVEN FORBID! And please don’t tell my husband, that I might possibly be admitting to being wrong!)

What if waiting is a life long journey?

Because, now I’m waiting on a close and good relationship with “my girls”.  And although, we’ve made strides of progress, there is still progress to be made.  It’s like I told a student of mine.  Dance is a lifelong art form.  You can continue to learn new and different things within a step or technique.  It’s not a thing where you can learn everything and simply check it off your list.  It doesn’t work that way.  What if life is like that?  You aren’t meant to simply learn something and say, ok I got it, no more work to be done in that area.

We are consistently waiting.  Bottom line:  waiting on Jesus return to then get to spend eternity in the most beautiful place in the world with the most beautiful people we’ve ever met.

So I’m a check off my list kinda gal.  I love to make a list and then check it off.  It’s like laundry, no matter how much you do or try to keep up with; there is always more dirty laundry in the making. 

I think, and a bit afraid, that life is like that too. 

Now, do I lay down and die and say forget it, it’s not worth it.

OR

Do I say, ok list, today I’m gonna win, you may win tomorrow, but today, I put my best foot forward and try to love Jesus and the people close to me the best I can.

Well

I

Choose

The

Second

Option.

Or at least I will try!!

How about you?

What do you think?

Am I nuts?

Wait scratch that last question, would love to hear your theory on waiting!!

So . . . . . . I’m waiting!

P.S.  I know there is no such word as “bestest” but nothing else came close to expressing my feeling of “bestest”.  Grammar experts forgive me. (Which I should’ve asked at the beginning of this blog, grammar is not my strongest point!) J

FOOTBALL

Football

I love football.  My daddy was a high school football coach.  For the most part I’ve been at a high school football game every fall Friday night since before I was born.  I understand football.  Basically the team has four tries to take the ball 10 yards.  I understand football.  I listen, I watch, I even discuss.

HOWEVER

My husband loves football.  I’m not even close to loving football the way my husband does.  My love of football has parameters.  These are my football parameters.  It must be fall or “fall-like” weather.  There must be cheerleaders and dance teams to perform as so the professional dancer in me can critique.  There must be a band to play music to keep my spirits up. 

So it’s January.  I’m SICK of football.  I’m beginning to hate football.  AND THERE ARE THREE WEEKS LEFT IN THIS PRO-SEASON BEFORE THE SUPERBOWL.  Yikes. 

So, the bottom line is this:

Being married has taught me many things (even in the almost six months of blissfully happy marriage). My husband has taught me that I don’t love football.  I only thought I did. 

So, to my husband I must apologize.

I lied.

I don’t love football.

Now that I’ve admitted to that, it is now time to learn how to support my husband’s love of football.  This may be more difficult than being a step-mother. 

I just need to remember I do love this man, even with football 24/7.

Love you baby, I really truly do!

When do the kids come next??

LOL

Jan 1

Today is unusual.  It’s the first day of the rest of my life.  Okay, it’s only the first day of 2011.  And I had high hopes for today, I really did.  I had hopes of actually accomplishing something, but am I??  Nope.  My husband is sick.  Like laying on the couch and throwing up every 4 hours.  Now there is nothing left.  I have a weak stomach, VERY weak.  So if I’m in the room with him, even if he’s not throwing up, I have an upset stomach.  Just thinking about him being sick gives me an upset stomach. 

This fact irritates me, on many levels.  First, I’m so sappy in love with this guy that I get sick when he does, really?  This is pathetic, when did I turn into that girl??  Oh yeah, the first time he touched me, in a dark movie theatre watching “The Proposal”.  Anyway, that’s another post all together.  Second, how non-independent am I that I can’t even have my own stomach feelings.  This is ludicrous (Isn’t there a rap star by that name, but he spells it differently, which is why I had to spell check the word in the first place).  And last, but certainly not least, he is the go get ‘em in our relationship.  The one that gets me on my feel to actually accomplish something on a day off, like getting in the shower, or paying bills, or doing laundry.  Without his oomph I don’t self-motivate well.  So I’m spending the day in front of the TV with the laptop.  And I’m enjoying every single minute, and also feeling guilty.

These are the joys of newlywed life.  I hope he doesn’t get sick often.  In the year in a half we’ve been reacquainted (we graduated high school together, a VERY small high school), he’s NEVER been sick.  Shouldn’t he be finished with the throwing up part of being sick by now?  Shouldn’t he be able to sleep?  This is ridiculous.  Now I’m getting worried.  Okay, must stop.  You don’t know, but I can be very overly melodramatic.  So if I let myself go, he will be dying in the next 30 seconds of some rare disease nobody’s ever heard of.

So please send prayer and any suggestions you may have to make my husband feel better, so that my stomach will CHILL.

Thanks,

My husband’s beloved wife!